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Secret Service Agent: Never Label Someone A Narcissist! This Habit Makes People Hate Talking To You!

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Secret Service Agent: Never Label Someone A Narcissist! This Habit Makes People Hate Talking To You!

The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett

2025/12/01
The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett

The Diary Of A CEO with Steven Bartlett

2025/12/01
OverviewShownoteHighlightsTranscriptChaptersPins

Shownote

Ex-Secret Service interrogator DESMOND O’NEILL reveals the 4-step formula for difficult conversations, how to decode narcissism, the secret to communication and real connection - AND debunks the biggest myths about interrogation! Desmond O’Neill is a for...

Highlights

Navigating difficult conversations requires more than just courage—it demands strategy, self-awareness, and emotional discipline. Drawing from decades of experience in high-stakes interrogation and negotiation, former Secret Service agent Desmond O'Neill reveals how the principles used in federal investigations can be applied to everyday personal and professional challenges.
02:22
Human connection is key to unlocking uncooperative individuals.
06:23
Mindfulness is critical when investigating fellow officers
08:34
Labeling someone a narcissist prevents real understanding and shuts down empathy.
13:51
Multiple goals in conversation include task, identity, and relational components, which can align or conflict.
17:39
The suspect's stories revealed inconsistencies when girls fought back during attacks.
19:40
Truth-tellers handle story complications consistently, unlike liars
21:52
Most people listen to reply rather than understand, preventing real connection.
24:09
Controlling a conversation comes from listening, but both parties letting the other talk more won't progress the conversation
24:35
Empathy accuracy drops significantly during emotionally charged conversations due to ego protection mechanisms.
28:38
Crossing arms often indicates an emotional response to a challenging question
33:40
Ask for an explanation when someone uses insults to understand their reasoning
35:31
Call out behavior changes and remain amicable when confronted with insults.
39:44
Power comes from asking good questions and keeping composure when someone is insulting and angry.
40:11
Everyone experiences the same event differently, yet failing to recognize this limits emotional connection.
44:08
Honesty influences without manipulation by aligning with others' values
46:30
Lying is the key factor that turns influence into manipulation.
48:50
Vulnerability and openness build trust and influence more effectively than manipulation.
54:05
People often give trust too freely due to the halo effect, and when trust is broken, it's very difficult to regain.
55:03
To regain trust, one must be accountable for losing it, and show consistent trustworthiness over time.
55:29
A leader is someone who stays calm in the midst of chaos
59:33
Many people prefer the certainty of their current misery over the uncertainty of change.
1:03:21
Being a self-leader means taking command of yourself and your decisions.
1:10:06
Reciprocity in rapport is not transactional but rooted in self-congruence and integrity
1:11:47
Stop telling people you understand their personal experience, as it may invalidate their unique feelings.
1:13:33
Most people just want a sounding board; they want someone to 'sit in the mud' with them.

Chapters

Intro
00:00
What Are Your Experiences?
04:48
Experience With Violent Interrogation
06:23
How Do I Have a Difficult Conversation?
08:34
How to Spot When Someone Is Gaslighting You
09:58
PLAN Framework
11:19
The Hardest Conversations You've Had to Navigate
14:58
If They Do This, They're Lying
19:40
Be a Better Listener
21:52
Controlling Comes From Listening, Not Talking
24:08
Asking Questions
24:33
Obvious Body Language to Look Out For
28:38
Finding Resolution With People
31:28
What if They Start Insulting You
33:38
How to Keep Your Emotions in Check
35:31
How to Stay in Control
37:07
Me Me Me Syndrome
40:11
Ads
43:06
How to Get Someone to Open Up
44:08
The Difference Between Manipulation and Influence
46:30
Influencing People
48:49
How to Build Trust
51:27
How Do You Get Trust Back?
55:03
How to Be a Great Leader
55:27
Making Decisions
56:36
Own Your Decisions
1:01:02
Ads
1:05:29
Building Rapport
1:07:39
Main Takeaways
1:11:47
Don't Tell People You Understand
1:13:33
What Decision Do You Most Regret?
1:17:14

Transcript

Steven Bartlett: I've got a difficult conversation I want to have with someone, and they might be a narcissist. Desmond O'Neill: So let's stop there, because if you just blatantly label somebody as being a narcissist, you're not going to be able to really...