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Why Conversations Go Wrong

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Why Conversations Go Wrong

Hidden Brain

2021/04/26
Hidden Brain

Hidden Brain

2021/04/26
OverviewShownoteHighlightsTranscriptChaptersPins

Shownote

Do you ever struggle to communicate with your mom? Or feel like you and your spouse sometimes speak different languages? We talk with linguist Deborah Tannen about how our conversational styles can cause unintended conflicts, and what we can do to communic...

Highlights

This episode dives into the hidden mechanics of everyday conversation—how subtle, often unconscious habits in speaking and listening spark friction where none was intended.
06:28
New Yorkers don’t feel responsible for ensuring others get the floor
15:54
Indirect communication fails when intentions aren't explicitly stated
22:10
Meta-messages convey relationship meanings and can cause misunderstandings in interactions between colleagues and spouses
30:37
A friend’s constant offers to help frustrated Deborah until they realized it reflected different learned behaviors about support and autonomy
39:55
Mothers’ clothing comments during book tours hurt daughters despite being meant as caring
46:24
Assuming misunderstandings stem from miscommunication—not ill intent—makes the world feel safer

Chapters

Why do we keep misunderstanding each other—even when we love one another?
00:00
What happens when 'I shouldn’t have to ask' becomes a silent relationship trap?
15:54
How does a simple dinner plan reveal deeper clashes in how we see connection and control?
22:10
When does 'just being there' mean something completely different to two people?
27:56
Why do a mother’s caring words so often land like criticism—and what makes that universal?
36:09
Can assuming good intent actually rewire our reactions in real time?
46:24

Transcript

Shankar Vedantam: This is Hidden Brain. I'm Shankar Vedantam. One of the most famous comedy sketches of the 20th century is built on a simple misunderstanding. Deborah Tannen: We're organizing a baseball team here at the retired actors' home. And I am the...