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Harvard’s Behaviour Expert: The Psychology Of Why People Don't Like You!

Navigating conversations with authenticity and skill can transform both personal and professional relationships. In this insightful discussion, behavioral scientist Alison Wood Brooks unpacks the research-backed principles behind meaningful communication, revealing how subtle shifts in mindset and technique can lead to deeper connections, greater influence, and more fulfilling interactions.
Alison Wood Brooks highlights practical strategies for improving communication, starting with reframing anxiety as excitement to enhance performance in high-pressure situations like negotiations or public speaking. She introduces the Conversational Compass, a framework that helps prioritize relationship-building alongside information exchange, emphasizing that not all valuable conversations need to be deeply informative—bonding and enjoyment matter too. Effective apologies require ownership and change, not over-explaining, while active listening, validation, and avoiding immediate disagreement foster openness. The TALK framework promotes intentional topic selection, authenticity, warmth, and levity. Asking thoughtful questions—especially follow-ups—and resisting 'boomerang' responses build real connection. Vulnerability is key to friendship, particularly for men socialized to avoid emotional talk. Finally, while AI tools are emerging in coaching, human presence, genuine expression, and teaching these skills early remain irreplaceable for fostering true connection in an increasingly digital world.
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02:36
Learning one conversation strategy can greatly improve people's lives.
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06:23
Podcasting allows skipping small talk to go straight to deep discussions
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12:40
Saying 'I'm excited' shifts focus from threats to opportunities, improving performance in social and performance settings.
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18:47
Anxious negotiators are more likely to leave prematurely or make bad offers.
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22:53
Prioritizing others' needs can make you more valuable and increase your chances of getting what you want.
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30:16
Not all meaningful conversations require high information exchange; emotional connection and enjoyment are valid and important purposes.
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32:45
Over-apologizing is rare but can be counterproductive if done more than twice in a conversation.
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38:45
It makes sense that you feel X about Y is a powerful validation phrase.
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44:37
Disagreement triggers neurological alarm-bells, making engagement harder
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46:28
Replacing 'but' with 'and' can improve relational dynamics by avoiding invalidation
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48:07
The TALK framework is the most comprehensive, teachable, and scientifically rigorous communication framework.
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50:04
We have control over conversation topics and should prepare them beforehand to improve dialogue.
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51:47
Prepping conversation topics reduces anxiety and helps cover more points effectively
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57:35
Asking about the meaning of life too early in a conversation can scare people off.
1:02:16
1:02:16
Asking one extra question significantly increases chances of a second date
1:03:27
1:03:27
Self-disclosure is a gift; good follow-up questions show appreciation.
1:07:26
1:07:26
Saying 'yeah' repeatedly while someone is speaking often signals you're not truly listening.
1:09:27
1:09:27
Understanding conversation as a quantifiable skill enables lasting improvement.
1:15:50
1:15:50
Self-awareness about energy levels enables honest communication in relationships
1:17:23
1:17:23
Levity includes humor and warmth, preventing boredom and supporting connection.
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1:26:19
The three behavioral types in awkward situations are approachers, avoiders, and exiters.
1:40:27
1:40:27
Spies are trained to understand others' perceptions to persuade them.
1:50:11
1:50:11
Real relationships come from engaging in revealing conversations, asking questions, and listening.
1:55:27
1:55:27
Vulnerability is the key to connection and real relationships.
1:56:42
1:56:42
Being receptive to opposing views helps build persuasive influence.
1:58:50
1:58:50
A spy spent weeks listening to a taxi driver to gain government secrets, demonstrating the power of uninterrupted listening.
2:12:39
2:12:39
Team members used AI for interview feedback and ignored my emails
2:15:01
2:15:01
In an AI-dominated world, human conversation skills will be a superpower
2:19:28
2:19:28
Slight insincerity can serve sincere communication goals
2:25:14
2:25:14
If my life was a movie, the audience would tell me to leave Harvard and use 'Talk' to save kids from digital addiction and loneliness.