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Defining Healthy Masculinity & How to Build It | Terry Real

Overview

Shownote

Highlights

Transcript

Chapters

Pins

Defining Healthy Masculinity & How to Build It | Terry Real

Huberman Lab

2025/12/29
Huberman Lab

Huberman Lab

2025/12/29
OverviewShownoteHighlightsTranscriptChaptersPins

Shownote

Terry Real is a therapist and best-selling author expert on male emotional health and how men can build the skills for healthy relating to others: in relationships, work, friendships and to themselves. We discuss how mixed and ever-changing messages about ...

Highlights

In a deeply insightful conversation, therapist Terry Real joins Andrew Huberman to unpack the emotional and relational challenges facing men today. They explore how outdated models of masculinity are failing men’s mental health and undermining their ability to connect meaningfully with others. Rather than framing the issue as political or ideological, they approach it through a psychological lens, emphasizing that emotional intelligence and relational skills can be learned at any stage of life.
06:36
The psychology of patriarchy is toxic, not just its politics.
07:46
Denying vulnerability leads to anxiety and depression in men
19:31
Relational joy is deeper than mere gratification and is often lost in today's narcissistic culture.
27:27
Healthy self-esteem means feeling proportionally bad about bad behavior while still having self-compassion.
34:13
Responding non-regressively when a woman is upset by asking 'what do you need?'
38:36
True strength is responding with curiosity instead of defensiveness
40:47
AG1 supports immune system, mood, and mental focus with a blend of vitamins, probiotics, and adaptogens
42:33
You can't be mad about not getting what you never asked for.
56:08
Many couples on the brink of divorce are in the 'adaptive child' state.
1:06:46
The essence of new masculinity is seeing life as relational and ecological.
1:11:44
Father absence can let in 'demons' like addiction and emotional collapse
1:22:57
Complaining can be a form of self-abuse; men should train friends to support their mature selves.
1:27:28
Hiking to Yosemite is a simple yet powerful solution for isolated young men.
1:39:15
A great Masai is adaptable—fierce when needed, tender when required
1:43:39
Many men became addicts between the 1980s and 2000s, not all from severely traumatic homes.
1:51:45
A child who parents a heart-broken mother becomes a love-avoidant caretaker in adulthood.
1:54:47
A partner ends a potential long-term fight by expressing personal feelings and making a request instead of exchanging objective accusations
1:59:06
The cure for addiction is intimacy, not abstinence alone.
2:11:28
The 12-step program is a great template for learning to listen in relationships.
2:17:00
Relational connection is what people are born for
2:25:41
Make 99 requests for every complaint to foster healthier relationships
2:30:41
All relationships involve harmony, disharmony, and repair — the key is learning how to return.
2:41:22
Self-compassion is a skill that can be developed over time, leading to liberation.
2:44:00
Being male has awesome features, but often separates from the relational aspect.

Chapters

Terry Real
00:00
Men & Masculinity, Political vs Psychological Patriarchy, Feminism
02:53
Stoicism, Vulnerability, Traditional Masculinity, Emotions
07:39
Sponsors: BetterHelp & David
10:50
Masculinity Across Decades, Giving; Gratification vs Relational Joy
13:14
Healthy Emotional Expression, Connection & Vulnerability; Self-Esteem
21:54
Feeling Emotions, Tools: Asking For Help; Fights & "What Do You Need?"
31:17
Self-Esteem & Relationship Accountability; Criticism, Redefining Strength
35:10
Sponsor: AG1
40:47
Healthy Criticism, Tool: Women & Articulating Needs
42:32
Childlike Behavior, Wise Adult & Trauma, Tool: Relational Mindfulness
50:21
Tool: Responsible Distance Taking; Self-Interest; Relationship "Biosphere"
58:11
Alcohol, Men & Friends, Loneliness, Men's Retreat
1:08:14
Fraternities, Men's Groups, Tool: Relationship vs Individual Support
1:17:51
Sponsor: Function
1:25:39
Lack of Male Friends, Hiking, Community, Teaching Young Men
1:27:27
Cannabis, Alcohol, Young Men & Purpose, Flexibility & Manliness
1:36:11
Work, Life Purpose & Men; Skillful Warriors
1:40:40
Absent Fathers; Early Childhood & Proper Nurturing; Caretaking
1:45:01
Sponsor: Waking Up
1:53:24
Women & Speaking Relationally, Objectivity Battle
1:54:47
Addiction & Disconnection, 12-Step Meetings & Fellowship
1:59:02
Pornography, Internet, Intensity vs Intimacy; Optimization
2:08:04
Tool: Families & Hanging Out; Relational Joy; Relational Recovery
2:11:57
Giving Criticism, Tools: Make Requests; Feedback Wheel
2:22:29
Gratitude, Aging; Skillful Fighting in Relationship & Repair
2:28:21
Men & Self-Esteem, Mentors, Tool: Inner Dialogue without Harshness
2:34:17
Y Chromosome, Wholeness
2:44:00
Zero-Cost Support, YouTube, Spotify & Apple Follow, Reviews & Feedback, Sponsors, Protocols Book, Social Media, Neural Network Newsletter
2:48:00

Transcript

Terry Real: When the moment calls for fierceness, a good Marani is a killer. And they are. They're warriors. They'll kill you. Don't cross them. When the moment calls for tenderness, a good Marani will lay down his sword and shield and be sweet like a baby...